Trek Wars
by Lieuten Keen
Summary: When fandoms collide, silliness ensues.
1. Chapter 1

Trek Wars

By Lieuten Keen

I like to let all my crazy out at once.

A/N: I have the elevated humor of a twelve year old boy. So there're jokes about body parts, body fluids, body emissions and bodies in general. There's also HoYay, HetYay, GroupYay and possibly AnimalYay, even a little RobotYay. I tried to throw in a little something for everyone.

Thanks to Gene Roddenberry and Paramount Studios for creating and keeping Star Trek alive and George Lucas and Lucasfilms for Star Wars. Without them I wouldn't have had much of a childhood. I kid because I love.

This started out as a dare by a friend for me to kill Archer in prose. We opened a bottle of wine and talked about it, Then opened another bottle, and there was giggling and possibly a third bottle....In other news, Kids...Don't drink and write. it's not pretty.

* * *

Trek Wars

Chapter 1: A New Whore:

Jon Quantum was just a regular farm boy until one fateful day when he chased his new pet, Port Hose, across the vast desert of his small homeworld. He got lost because he has no sense of direction and refused to ask for help, so it was lucky that he found an old man. Quantum followed the old man into his shack, under the pretense of using his phone to call home.

"Come sit on my lap, boy," the old man invited, patting his legs with a gleam in his eye.

"I don't even know you, mister. You could be some crazed pervert!" Quantum protested.

"I am called Daniels," said the old man. Years of training told him that the Farce was strong in this young lad with the forehead wrinkles.

"Daniels?" Quantum repeated. "As in 'Oh-BendMeOver Daniels'? You're a legend around the local tire store!" Quantum grew more excited.

"I haven't been a tire salesman for quite some time," Daniels admitted, pleased nonetheless to have been recognized.

"When you leave here, take me with you!" Quantum pleaded earnestly. "It is my density to travel among the stars!"

"If you won't sit on my lap," Daniels heaved a sigh, "Then I must take you home."

* * *

Unfortunately, there was no home for Quantum to return to. Forces of evil had landed and slaughtered his entire family, with the exception of his pet, Port Hose, who had been with Quantum the whole time, although Jon would have left the animal out in the desert were it not for Daniel's reminding him he had a pet in the first place. Port Hose paid his respects to Quantum's old life by lifting a leg and peeing on the corpses.

"I guess I have to come with you now!" Quantum shouted gleefully, unmindful of the smoking corpses still smoldering in the late afternoon desert sun.

Oh-BendMeOver Daniels sighed heavily. "Fine! Come along! But my land-speeder is small. You'll need to sit on my lap."

* * *

Quantum, Port Hose and Daniels arrived at the pirate complex on Rigel 10 and made arrangements for transport with a rascally rogue, Hand Solo Tucker. Hand Solo was especially fond of his transport ship, the _Soor Uranus_. Quantum didn't think it was anything special, but Hand Solo threatened to leave him behind if he didn't profess to love the _Soor Uranus_ as much as Hand Solo did.

Not long after they boarded the transport, Quantum's fears that the ship was a piece of crap was nearly realized as they were attacked by Forces of Evil and forced to pull over for repairs at the Evil Apple Core Helix, where they discovered the beautiful Princess Top'Heavy was being held against her will. She was scheduled for the most heinous of punishments, the replacement of her luscious curves with her formerly flat breasts, which was considered a fate worse than death in the GrabAss Galaxy. While Oh-BendMeOver Daniels created a diversion, and faithful companion Port Hose led security on a wild goose chase, Jon Quantum and Hand Solo Tucker rescued Princess Top'Heavy from Maxim Prison. She was especially grateful to Hand Solo, much to Quantum's dismay.

As the heroes prepared to exit the Evil Apple Core Helix, they boarded the _Soor Uranus_, but Quantum stopped with one foot on the gangplank. Oh-BendMeOver Daniels could be seen fighting with a strangely sullen enemy. Darth Silik Carsick was a fearsome foe, a man who shunned decency; he was a man whose name 'Carsick' was not just a description of his orange jumpsuit but also of his ability to dissolve into a puddle of vomit on command. He was in the employ of the Shadowy Shower Guy, and using unsavory tactics to get what he wanted was what he did best.

Quantum shouted out encouragements to his friend Oh-BendMeOver Daniels: "Fight as though you're protecting _my_ ass instead of yours!" But to no avail; Daniels was cut down by the insidious Darth Silik Carsick. Carsick immediately turned his attention to the escapees, but was unable to apprehend them when he slipped on a puddle of Port Hose's urine and fell to the ground with a splash as his own protective camouflage came online and turned him into vomit.

The heroes were sad but they got away. Hand Solo Tucker was made less sad, not just because he didn't know Oh-BendMeOver very well (he'd never sat in his rubbery lap) but also because Princess Top'Heavy was excited to keep her rounded curves, and celebrated by showing them to Captain Hand Solo in a variety of poses and stances. Port Hose wasn't sad because it was his urine that had saved their collective asses, and Quantum wasn't so very sad, because he'd discovered a large mirror in the back of the _Soor Uranus_ and found he could make love to himself all he wanted; an effective way to keep the sadness at bay, he discovered.

Darth Carsick, on the other hand, was really, really sad and no amount of self-pleasure could make him happy. He was contacted by the Shadowy Shower Guy and told that he must recapture the escapees at once. "That one, Jon Quantum, may be important to the whole of existence," Shadowy Shower Guy hissed in his raspy, lisping voice.

"But they are really hard to catch!" Carsick whined.

"I find your lack of faith of the heart disturbing," Shadowy Shower Guy intoned with exaggerated esses. "Find them and bring them to me, or I will make you into a puddle of vomit forever!"

Darth Carsick knew he had no choice. No matter how boyishly handsome Jon Quantum was, he must be turned over to the Shadowy Shower Guy at once.

* * *

Our intrepid heroes aboard the _Soor Uranus_ started to take Princess Top'Heavy back to her home world but discovered that they were about to be caught and taken hostage by the Evil Apple Core Helix.

"It's not just a space station," breathed Hand Solo in wonderment. "It's a space _ship_! Boy! I'd like to get a look at her power couplings!"

Princess Top'Heavy threw him an irritated and slightly jealous glance before calling up the spaceship station's blueprints on the screen. "We will not be taken hostage if you fire your primary weapons at this tiny hole in the center, at the apex of the nacelles," she pointed out.

"Pshaw!" Both Hand Solo and Quantum snorted in derision. "As if girls know anything about machines!" Quantum scoffed.

"My father was the Chief Engineer on the Evil Apple Core Helix Project and I interned there my second semester in college," Top'Heavy pointed out.

"Girls don't know nuthin' about…." Hand Solo stopped short. "Actually, I think she might be right."

"Solo! Don't say that out loud! She'll hear you! And offer more ideas in the future!" Quantum wailed.

It was too late; Princess Top'Heavy knew she was correct. The trio made plans to slip in between the nacelles and deliver a Wide Spread Torpedo into the hole. (Port Hose wasn't helping make plans; he was drinking all the liquid cheese in the refrigerator in order to make more helpful urine.)

Quantum took one look at the smitten look that Princess Top'Heavy offered to Hand Solo Tucker and grew jealous. "I'll be the one to fire the Wide Spread Torpedo into the hole!" he announced. "I will make it in the first shot because it is my density to be the Grand Poobah of the GrabAss Galaxy! Like my father before me!" He grabbed the firing stick and toggled through the targeting scans while Top'Heavy made out with Hand Solo.

The first shot went wide and took out a communications array. The second shot also went wide and left an awful stain about twenty meters short of the tiny hole.

Aboard the Evil Apple Core Helix, Darth Carsick looked worried. His number two, aptly named Number Two, laid his dark brown and odorous hand on Carsick's arm. "They may have found a way to get through our Trojan shields," Number Two fretted.

"I think you overestimate their chances," Darth Carsick refuted. He wasn't as certain as he sounded, since he immediately left the command deck and took refuge in an escape pod.

"Use the Farce, Quantum!" Quantum could almost hear the sound of Oh-BendMeOver's voice in his head and he focused harder. When Hand Solo came up for air and offered to assist, Quantum finally managed to get the Wide Spread Torpedo into the tiny hole at the apex of the nacelles on the aft side of the Evil Apple Core Helix.

The Evil Apple Core Helix exploded.

Top'Heavy and Hand Solo celebrated with more sex. Port Hose piddled on the carpet. And Quantum whipped out the mirror in order to pat himself on the back. Now that he was a true Oh-BendMeOver Master, he wanted someone to sit in his lap. Quantum knocked on the door of the private quarters of Hand Solo.

"Where should we go from here?" he called out, hoping they would join him and maybe sit in his lap for a while.

"Don't worry about it!" Hand Solo called through the closed door. "My navigator Travis MaybeNot will get us to safety!"

"What navigator?" Quantum asked suspiciously.

"My navigator!" Solo shouted breathlessly. "He's been here the whole time! Geez! You were sitting in his lap the whole time you were trying to fire the torpedo!"

Quantum turned around. A young man poked his head out of the cockpit of the _Soor Uranus_ and waved at Quantum with a very warm smile. Craning his own head around, Quantum noticed a suspicious stain on the back of his pants.

He needed a new wardrobe. And then, he would fly straight and steady into his own Density!

* * *

A/N: Stay tuned when the adventure continues in TrekWars Eighty Six: The Search for a Decent Plotline!


	2. Chapter 2

TrekWars 2

The Ex-Lax Strikes Back

* * *

On the icy world of FruzenNots, our intrepid heroes had taken refuge. Princess Top'Heavy, recently rescued from the clutches of the Evil Darth Silik Carsick, was still thanking her rescuer, Hand Solo Tucker, captain of the transport vessel, _Soor Uranus_, by having constant and vigorous sex with him. Navigator Travis MaybeNot, often overlooked by everyone around him, was pleased to look after the pet, Port Hose, since one of MaybeNot's chief pleasures in life was to get crapped on, and Port Hose's only activity included peeing a lot. And Jon Quantum recently crowned himself the last of the great defenders of the GrabAss Galaxy, in a tribute to his recently dead tire salesman friend, Oh-BendMeOver Daniels.

Their idyllic, if chilly, peace did not last long. Shadowy Shower Guy had once more sent Darth Carsick out to retrieve Jon Quantum, believing him to be important to the whole of existence. Their base on FruzenNots shook with the impact of weapons fire as the heroes were suddenly surrounded by the Forces of Evil.

"For Crap's Sake, Solo! Put some pants on! We're being attacked out here!" Quantum shouted as he raced through the halls of their frozen base.

"I'm being attacked in here!" Solo shouted pitifully. He had to pull a pistol out of his pocket and aim it at his girl before Top'Heavy would give him back his pants and let him go to work. He still had to deal with her wandering hands as he tried to get his overworked engines to fire up one last time and get them out of this mess, but at least his balls weren't frozen anymore.

"I'll distract them while you take off!" Quantum shouted, racing out into the snow by himself.

"No need! I've got the ship working just fine now!" Hand Solo Tucker shouted. "She just needed a little tender loving care!"

"Tell me about it!" Top'Heavy smirked with a wayward hand and a warm smile.

"_I'm_ the distraction!" Quantum insisted. "You just get away from here!"

Hand Solo might have protested further but many of Darth Carsick's minions were closing in on their location, so he just gunned the engines and took off into the sky.

On the ground, Quantum patted himself on the back for being so heroic, and then noticed that he had no transport to take him away from the firefight.

"Oh, Crap!" he moaned.

"You moaned?" A familiar voice was heard in his ear, and Quantum turned to find Oh-BendMeOver Daniels standing beside him and looking very much alive. And excited. "You want to sit in my lap now?"

"Not now, Daniels!" Quantum shouted. "I just helped my friends escape from Darth Carsick, but now I need a ride off the frozen world of FruzenNots!"

Oh-BendMeOver Daniels sighed with exasperation. "Should have been smart enough to stay on the ship," he muttered as he worked. "Go over that hillock," Daniels pointed. "There's a ship there. It will take you to an Oh-BendMeOver Master, who will teach you the ways of the Farce."

"How did you get a ship here? I thought you were dead?" Quantum scratched his apelike head.

"I did some time-traveling in my youth," Daniels sighed. "I knew you'd need it."

"Cool!" Quantum pretended to be a hunk of rock when Darth Carsick flew over head, and when the Forces of Evil were gone, he climbed the hillock and found a small transport waiting. The ship took him directly to the swampy world of Soggy Bottom, where Quantum found another Oh-BendMeOver Master waiting.

"Cheery-oh! I am Stiff UpperLip, Oh-BendMeOver Master, and I hear you need a teacher," said the short, dark-haired, elf-eared humanoid. "But you can call me Stinky."

"Daniels sent me a message through time!" Quantum agreed happily.

Stinky sighed. "He's always showing off. What a ponce! Let's get to work." Stiff Upper Lip spent the next twenty minutes teaching Jon Quantum the ways of the Farce. When they stopped, Quantum asked why. "It's tea-time, you heathen," Scoffed Stinky as he prissily lifted his pinkie finger and sipped his leafy brew. "Every well-bred man raised on Briton enjoys the manly art of tea ceremonies, so why don't you have a cup? It's made from the coca plant and it's very powerful."

Quantum settled in to have tea with Stiff UpperLip but once the tea was finished, he got the munchies and then they both got very giggly and tried to describe the hallucinations they were having and there may have been some very manly touching and lap-sitting, but neither one claimed to remember that part in the morning.

In the morning, as they settled in with their hangovers, Stiff UpperLip looked at Quantum. "You do not know all you need to know to get by as an Oh-BendMeOver Master. You should remain here with me. We can have some more tea!"

Quantum frowned. "Look, the tea was great, but I need to get back to my friends and fight the Forces of Evil. It is my Density."

Stinky watched Quantum settle into his cockpit and take off, muttering under his breath, "The word is Destiny, you idiot! May the Great Bird help us all with that twit in charge!" Stinky settled in with a nice cuppa to steady his nerves.

* * *

Meanwhile, back on the _Soor Uranus_, Top'Heavy was out of birth control. "We have to stop and get some more, so I can go on thanking you properly," she told Hand Solo.

Hand Solo blanched. He wasn't sure how much more 'thanking' he could survive. But she was as her name implied, top-heavy, and there was no man in the GrabAss Galaxy who could resist a big pair of boobs, so he made to pull over at his favorite Gas-N-Go.

They were met by a beautiful woman with dark hair. "I am Empress She-Ho," she announced. "Hand Solo and I were once lovers, but a bad sexual experience led us on different paths. Please come aboard my Gas-N-Go and refresh yourselves while I call in a favor with Darth Carsick…er, I mean Dark Cassock," she covered hastily. "He's a priest. Very holy man. Likes little boys. I've said too much."

Princess Top'Heavy immediately disliked her. "What does it say about our relationship that at the first opportunity you bring me here to meet her?" she asked Hand Solo.

"Baby! Princess!" Hand Solo soothed. "Rich Princess! I might have had _sex_ with her, but I have only _made love_ to you!"

Top'Heavy was soothed. She got a new outfit and made Hand Solo buy her lots of birth control. They were admiring their purchases when the door opened and Darth Carsick entered emitting an odor of vomit.

"I will take you both to my lord and master, Shadowy Shower Guy!" Darth Carsick smirked. "Your friend Jon Quantum will come to rescue you and my plan will be complete!"

She-Ho protested. "Our deal was for Quantum and Top'Heavy! You were going to leave Hand Solo here with me!"

"I am altering our deal!" Carsick slimed. "Pray I do not alter it further!"

Hand Solo, Top'Heavy, Empress She-Ho and Port Hose were escorted out an airlock and into Darth Carsick's torture chamber aboard his ship, the _Vomit Comet_. Top'Heavy was very scared and she clung to Hand Solo's manly package. Many of the guards were jealous that they were not allowed to touch Hand Solo's package, and a fight broke out. She-Ho nearly got her hand on a pistol but Darth Carsick arrived as he finished his phone call to Shadowy Shower Guy and restored order. Hand Solo was tossed into the Deep Poop Pit, where he pleaded for leniency through his closed nostrils.

"The Poop Pit will close around him," Carsick told them. "If we turn off the heating pads, he will be frozen in Poop forever!"

"No, please don't touch his manly package!" Top'Heavy pleaded. "I offer myself to you in his place!"

Darth Carsick scoffed. "You are not my type, Big Boobs!" He received a call on his cell phone and had to step out of his torture chamber to answer it; Reception in the torture chamber sucked. He was pleased to hear that Jon Quantum had arrived and was on his way to rescue his friends in the Deep Poop Pit. He ordered the guards to hide and be quiet; one of the guards shut off the heater so that the sound of the engine would not give them away.

The chill in the Deep Poop Pit instantly turned Hand Solo Tucker into a Southern Tapestry. Top'Heavy wept.

Someone touched her elbow. She looked up and found Navigator Travis MaybeNot standing next to her. "Where did you come from?" she asked through her tears.

"I've been here the whole time!" he retorted with an eye roll. "Luckily, since nobody notices me, I've managed to steal a pistol, have some lunch, make a music video and open up a secret passageway to a ship outside. Let's go!"

Top'Heavy studied the virile young man with interest. "Is it true that once you go Nav, you never go back?" she cooed.

Navigator MaybeNot smiled widely and nodded. He helped Top'Heavy and She-Ho escape. Port Hose, who had been chewing on temporal time conduits, peed on the Southern Tapestry formerly known as Hand Solo Tucker. The temporal signature would mark the item, and allow them to locate their friend at a later date.

* * *

Oh-BendMeOver Jon Quantum snuck inside the spaceship station. He followed the signs indicating "Hostage Processing: This Way" and "Just a Little Bit Further for Hostage Rescue" and "No This Isn't a Trick" through the Gas-N-Go and straight into the _Vomit Comet's_ torture chamber. There stood a lone figure: Darth Carsick.

"We meet again, for the first time, for the last time," Jon Quantum said nobly.

"There is something you should know," Darth Carsick began. "Before you escaped me on FruzenNots, I vomited in your transport."

"I thought I smelled something funny," Quantum nodded knowingly. "Let's get it on."

Both masters brought forth the power of the Farce. Each pretended to have a deadly weapon in hand, and waited to see what the other would say.

"I see your Swatch is as big as mine," Carsick nodded approvingly as he recognized the timepiece on Quantum's hand.

"I got this from Stinky UpperLip's Soggy Bottom," Quantum announced smugly.

"NOOOOOO!" cried out Darth Carsick. "We were former lovers! He promised that Swatch to ME!"

"Hah! I drew first bluff!" Quantum celebrated.

"D'oh!" Darth Carsick retaliated. "Quantum, I am your father!"

"Nuh-uh!" Quantum denied. "My daddy's dead! It's the source of my power!"

"Aha!" Darth Carsick called out in victory. "Your father is not dead! I know where he is!"

"No! NO! IT CAN'T BE TRUE!" Quantum backed away from Darth Carsick and fell down a wet shaft in the Deep Poop Pit.

Darth Carsick cackled in victory before hitting the lever and flushing Quantum out of his ship. Only after Quantum stopped screaming did Carsick remember that he was supposed to turn Quantum over to Shadowy Shower Guy because he might be important to the whole of existence. "Ooops!"

Carsick wondered if it was too late to get a plumber out to snake the drain. Of course, at this hour and in this far out region of space, the house call would be ridiculously expensive and plumbers were union and no longer offered Darths a discount. Carsick sighed. It was going to be an expensive toilet douche.

* * *

Speaking of douches, Quantum screamed as he fell down the toilet drain from the Deep Poop Pit. It was only by sheer luck that he was able to crawl up the pipe that was currently being used to empty the contents of the chemical toilets on board the _Soor Uranus_. He climbed out of the lavatory on the primary deck and stumbled out into the hallway where Navigator MaybeNot was caught in a tangle between She-Ho and Top'Heavy. They'd been killing time by having sex while performing a toilet purge while they waited for the opportune moment to make their getaway. Port Hose took one sniff of Quantum's leg and peed all over him.

"We have to get out of here now!" he gasped.

"You can sense Darth Carsick's presence?" She-Ho inquired.

"No, I can smell vomit!" Quantum shouted.

The trio looked at each other and clearly thought that Quantum might just be catching a whiff of himself, but they took their places in the cock pit and took off. Flying all night long they managed to evade the Forces of Evil once more.

Now all they had to do was find Hand Solo Tucker and return him to the bosom of those that loved him. It was just a question of who that might be.

Top'Heavy and She-Ho glared at each other over the thrusting of their bosoms.

* * *

To Be Continued: After everyone has had a long stint in the Decon Chamber, though preferably not together.


	3. Chapter 3

TrekWar 3

The Return of the Manly Package

* * *

Jon Quantum never thought that he would return to his home planet so soon, but here he was, walking up to the door of the most feared gangster in the GrabAss Galaxy, in an effort to save his friend, Hand Solo Tucker. He would have resorted to his childish urge to suck his thumb, were it not for the fact that he had recently been flushed out of the Deep Poop Pit aboard the _Vomit Comet_ and still felt that he smelled like crap even though he'd taken eleventy-two showers and spent some serious time in the Decon Chamber since then. He didn't ever want to taste his own skin ever again.

Innyways, he knocked upon the door and was admitted by a lackey Quantum wasn't certain was human. He refrained from giggling and pointing a finger at the strange alien, since Empress She-Ho and Princess Top'Heavy both said it was rude and refused to sit on his lap if he did it anymore. The lackey led him straight into the main hall of Bubba Phlox.

To Quantum's surprise Bubba Phlox greeted him with an extra wide smile. "Oh-BendMeOver Quantum, how nice to meet you!" Phlox opened his arms wide in salutation, even as he used the formal title of the newest savior of the GrabAss Galaxy, a title Quantum had not offered to the lackey at the door. Clearly he was a man who knew strange and wonderful things! "Would you care for a snack? I have fresh Snow Beetles! Or perhaps a beverage? I've just milked the teats of my Pyrhithian bat! Bat milk is said to ward off colds and phlegm!"

Quantum shook his head. "No thank you."

"Would you care to have sex with one of my wives then? Or perhaps a daughter or two?" Many pretty women nodded and smiled at Quantum.

"No thank you," Quantum refused. It wasn't that the women weren't pretty; it's just that after so much time spent with Princess Top'Heavy and Empress She-Ho, he was beginning to develop a rash 'down there' and wasn't sure he should spread it off to the most dangerous gangster in the GrabAss Galaxy, even if he was offering sex with his wives and daughters.

"I've come to look at your tapestries," Quantum spoke clearly.

"Tapestries?" Bubba Phlox repeated curiously.

"This is a castle? You do have tapestries?" Quantum asked. "I'm looking for a Southern Tapestry."

"I'm afraid I don't have any Southern Tapestries," Bubba Phlox denied with shifty eyes. "All my tapestries come from a reputable Turkish dealer."

"Oh," Quantum uttered. "I've wasted your time. Perhaps you would take this Orion Slave Girl as a present to make up for my rudeness." He snapped his fingers and a beautiful woman with green skin and pointed ears slunk forward.

Bubba Phlox sighed with dissatisfaction. "Another Orion slave girl? I've already got sixty-three wives and eighty-two mistresses, and I have sexual relations with several of the house boys and a few of the livestock. What do I need with another sex slave?" Bubba Phlox looked eagerly at Quantum. "I heard you have an animal named Port Hose? Would you be willing to part with him? Pet urine makes such a great serum for burn treatments!"

"Um, sure," Quantum agreed. He snapped his fingers and nothing happened. Looking around, he found Port House peeing on a large black box hanging on the wall. "Nice tapestry; is it Southern?" he commented casually as Bubba Phlox's guards stepped forward to secure the canine.

"No, no!" Bubba Phlox brushed away his inquiry. "I'm just holding that for a friend. Eat! Drink! Sleep and be Merry! If you're going to have sex, and I really must recommend that you do, I'd be delighted to watch!"

The rest of the evening passed like a hallucinogenic bacchanal that Quantum hadn't experienced since the wild night he'd spent on Planet Soggy Bottom with Master Stiff UpperLip. Luckily, Princess Top'Heavy, disguised as the Orion Slave Girl, kept her wits about her. She waited until everyone was asleep and then crept up to the black box hung on the wall. She pulled out a scanner to take some readings. Although this was the box that Port Hose had marked with a temporal signature, there was no sign of life.

A light clicked on behind her. She turned around with a gasp. Bubba Phlox's entire court stood there staring at her. "What are you doing?" the gangster asked.

"Top'Heavy! What are you doing? This is someone's house! Respect their boundaries!" Quantum hissed at her from the corner, displaying a keen knack for being a diplomat by denying his status as friend and rescuer.

"You lookin' for me, darlin'?" A smooth voice drawled from behind a Turkish tapestry. The curtain pulled back to expose Hand Solo Tucker, looking very much alive, smiling at her.

"Hand Solo!" Top'Heavy cried, throwing herself into his arms and kissing him profusely. "I thought you were dead!"

"Nah! Turns out Bubba Phlox dunnit know how to hang a tapestry created from a quickly freezin' Poop Pit. I was hung over a heater and I melted. This black square is all that's left. But I made myself useful and Phlox let me stay."

"Useful, how?" Top'Heavy inquired jealously, as she noticed at least three of Phlox's women smilingly too warmly at her hero.

"I managed to squeeze a little more juice out of the old girl," he smirked. Tucker noticed Top'Heavy's dark look and quickly explained further. "I upgraded his electrical system. Now he runs on solar power which is such a money-saver out here in the desert."

"Okay," She grinned and kissed him a lot.

Oh-BendMeOver Quantum sighed heavily. He hadn't even gotten the chance to use his new power over the Farce to save anybody. Everybody was still celebrating Hand Solo Tucker and Quantum didn't earn any props from anyone.

"I hear that, brother," Navigator MaybeNot murmured from just behind Quantum.

"Hey! When did you get here?" Quantum bristled at being startled.

MaybeNot rolled his eyes. "I've been here THE WHOLE TIME!"

After Bubba Phlox had extracted all the dog urine from Port Hose that he could siphon, and Hand Solo Tucker had created a larger tank to hold it in, the heroes got back under way. They still had to fight the Forces of Evil. And someone was hunting Quantum.

* * *

Oh-BendMeOver Quantum, Hand Solo Tucker, Princess Top'Heavy, Navigator MaybeNot, and Port Hose took their borrowed shuttle back to the Interstellar Space Mall to meet up with Empress She-Ho. She-Ho had remained behind to contact a former bondsman who might have information about Darth Carsick and the Shadowy Shower Guy.

"This is Spike," She-Ho introduced her friend. "He has telepathic powers and sometimes, when he isn't sending pictures of gay porn to every uptight person he knows, he finds out something useful." She turned to the spiky head alien who wouldn't stop fondling his ball. "Tell them what you told me."

Spike let go of his bauble and sighed. "Darth Carsick and Shadowy Shower Guy are planning to destroy the whole galaxy. They're building a spaceship station, just like the one you previously destroyed."

"Another Evil Apple Core Helix?" Quantum boggled.

"We already know how to destroy it," Top'Heavy pointed out.

"No," denied Spike, fiddling with his ball again. "It's going to be bigger, longer and harder to break into. They call it…The Xindi Ball!"

"Oh!" The heroes all sat upright and gasped. It seemed insurmountable.

"_Only I_ know how to destroy it," Spike went on, fiddling away.

"Oh." The heroes relaxed. It seemed too easy.

"First you have to destroy the main power generator. Then you have to detonate the spot on G-Deck. That will destroy the Xindi Ball!"

She-Ho looked disappointed. "No needlessly complicated systems? No elaborate disguises? No need for an armada of ships, full of big, strong men who only want to take me…er, _take care _of me?" She sighed. "What a bummer. Get your hand out of your pants and show us where it is."

* * *

The gang walked back to the _Soor Uranus_. "What's with the twiddling?" Navigator MaybeNot asked. Nobody heard him.

A few minutes later, Hand Solo removed his mouth from Top'Heavy's earlobe. "What's with the twiddling?" he asked.

She-Ho shrugged. "He sat down with a sharp pencil in his pocket and busted a nut. He just wants to make sure he keeps the other one."

MaybeNot smirked. "He's psychic. You'd think he'd have seen that coming." Unfortunately it was like talking to himself.

* * *

They split up. She-Ho planned to infiltrate the security barracks on the Xindi Ball and keep the security men occupied. Navigator MaybeNot flew Top'Heavy and Hand Solo to the nearby moon to take out the power generator. Port Hose planned to drink out of all the toilets and leave them with nothing to flush (per Quantum's orders, because he wasn't going through _that _again!). Quantum infiltrated the Xindi Ball and made his way to G-Deck.

* * *

Quantum entered what he thought was going to be G-Deck, but instead he found himself on the Bridge. "The hell?" he wondered.

"The Farce is more powerful than you can imagine," droned a dark voice behind him as Darth Carsick made his presence known. "Feel the power of my bluff!"

"D'oh!" Quantum cried out, realizing he'd failed. "When my friends get hold of you…!"

"They will get hold of no one!" Another voice reverberated around the room. A light show lit up in the center, resembling nothing so much as a shower of light.

"Shadowy Shower Guy!" Quantum gasped.

Shadowy Shower Guy nodded. "It is I who allowed your friends to know the location of the power generator. It was I who told Spike to tell you where to go! I knew that gay porn in my head had to be coming from somewhere and there are only so many people who dream of having a single testicle! I mean, come on! How can you be _psychic_ and _not_ see a pencil in your pocket _before_ you sit down?"

Darth Carsick laughed evilly, to deflect attention away from his master's inattention due to that one-balled bastard. "The power generator is quite safe from your pitiful band! I'm afraid the deflector grid will be fully operational when your friends arrive."

"Noooo! Caaaaarsick!" Quantum screamed.

Shadowy Shower Guy laughed evilly. "Muah-ha-ha! It is now at the end of your life that you understand how Evil I am! It is I who shagged your mother!"

"Are you my father?" Quantum asked, hardly daring to breathe.

"No! It's just that your mother's a dirty, dirty whore!" Shadowy Shower Guy smirked. So did Darth Carsick, who'd also had a turn at Mama Quantum. As had most of the second and fifth brigade.

"Shaaaadowwwwyyyy Shooowwwwer Guuuuuuuuy!" Quantum screamed with feeling. This was too much to bear! Oh, and he might have to consider saving his friends too!

Yet, at the moment, there was nothing he could do.

* * *

Top'Heavy and Hand Solo dropped back into the sweet smelling grasses with exhaustion. Taking out the power generator was going to be especially difficult, particularly when the shed it was housed inside was surrounded by these red poppies that had a curious effect on Hand Solo's pants. And the manly package inside. They were never going to save the world at this rate! But they _were_ going to have lots of crazy sex!

* * *

Inside the shed that housed the power generator, the two guards grew impatient. "I though somebody was going to try and take this thing out?" one of them pouted.

"I'm bored," said the other. "Smoke?" He offered up a cigarette.

"You can't smoke around the power generator! It's flammable!" said the first. "You have to go outside!"

"Okay." Both men stepped outside. They lit up their smokes with a match and then tossed the match over their shoulders. Due to lack of funding in public schools, they had never had a course in fire safety and did not know that throwing away a lit match in a patch of aphrodisiacal poppies growing out of dry grasses would result in a massive fire that would ignite the dangerous chemicals inside the shed that allowed the power to be generated.

Hence they blew up the power generator and made a nice bonfire to keep Top'Heavy and Hand Solo warm all night in their delicate and unclothed positions. Also, Top'Heavy and Hand Solo got all the credit for the explosion.

* * *

Aboard the Xindi Ball the Shadowy Shower Guy noticed the pyrotechnics where the power generator had been and screamed out loud. "NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!"

Darth Carsick liquefied into a puddle of vomit out of fear.

"I only wanted to save the universe!" cried out Shadowy Shower Guy. "I heard that you were important to the whole of existence, I just never knew what was supposed to happen!"

"How is it that you could know what is going to happen?" Quantum asked, preparing to use his power of the Farce. He was unprepared for the next entrance.

"Hello, Jon."

Quantum knew that voice and his Farce wilted. He turned around to see the man who whispered in his ear in a familiar way.

"Want to sit on my lap?" Oh-BendMeOver Daniels appeared behind Jon Quantum.

"Not right now," Quantum refused. "I'm trying to save the world."

"What world?" Snarked Darth Carsick as he rose from his puddle of vomit to retake humanoid form. He thought Archer was talking to himself. "You're standing on a spaceship station."

"I'm. trying. To. Save. _All_. The. Worlds," Quantum gritted out through clenched teeth. Stupid semantics!

"I don't understand!" Shadowy Shower Guy cried out in anguish.

"Join the club," muttered Quantum, clutching his head.

"Long ago before I knew any of you I knew that I would be important in your lives, so I learned about time travel, although technically I won't do that for another dozen years, and only if I sit on the lap of the right man in a drunken haze on Risa, but when I do that I'll find out that Quantum is important to the whole of existence and find a way to meet him in the future which would be my past when I first discovered about time travel," Daniels explained easily.

"Time travel makes my head go 'splody," Quantum moaned.

"That is truer than you know, Jon," Daniels stated, taking a step back from Quantum.

In Quantum's frustration in trying to decipher dead vs. living and predestined vs. free-willed and poop smell from vomit, Jon's head grew redder and redder. Sweat beaded on his brow. "Can't. Comprehend." He gritted out, as though it pained him. His head got bigger and bigger and redder and redder. "Must think…complicated…thoughts!"

Quantum's head exploded, resulting in a quantum singularity that threatened to suck up all life in existence. He was going to destroy the world. Well, all of the worlds actually.

Shadowy Shower Guy was struck with inspiration. He stepped out of his white light ablution and shoved Quantum's headless body into the void being created. The mass of Archer's attitude swelled to fill in every nook and cranny of the quantum singularity; therefore blocking the sucking void from taking place.

"What do you know?" Shadowy Shower Guy murmured as he stood there looking. "Quantum was important to the HOLE of existence."

Both Daniels and Carsick groaned at the pun.

"Hey! I'm Shadowy Shower Guy!" The no-longer shadowy guy standing nowhere near his temporal shower stuck out a hand in greeting. "People used to call me Admiral Maxwell Forrest, before they thought I became evil in my quest to find Quantum and guide him to this point in time and space."

Daniels and Carsick stared at the human and rolled their eyes just as the lights flickered all over the ship.

* * *

Port Hose had drunk all the water in every toilet, bird bath and fountain on board this monstrously large spaceship station. The stream of urine that he let out in the corner of some room with humming equipment dribbled down into the main electrical grid and shut off all the lights in a shower of sparks.

_Gee_, Port Hose thought. _If Bubba Phlox can figure out how to retro-engineer his solar powered energy, he'll make a killing with this retrofit!_ There was nobody around to tell his idea to though; not that humans understood him anyway. Port Hose sighed and went back to peeing.

* * *

Down in the main security barracks, an exhausted and disheveled She-Ho looked around; she had been exerting her powers of seduction over the main security force, but was discovering that it was larger than she had estimated. After she had exerted herself for hours, they did not seem to be failing in the slightest.

"What is _with_ you guys?" she panted, pushing a sweaty forelock off her face. "Do you take extra vitamins or something?"

"We are androids," stated the first well-endowed man to her left. "Mechanical parts covered with a bio-synthetic skin. We are fully functional and we never break down."

She-Ho let her eyes drift downward, over his manly package. "Really? It's like a dream come true!"

"We are programmed with multiple techniques," murmured another, who looked just like the first.

"Reeeeally?" Her eyes glowed with hot greed and she gulped a large mouthful of water before stripping away the remains of her clothes. "I may never leave this room! Who's next?"

* * *

Aboard the _Soor Uranus_, Navigator MaybeNot sighed with boredom as he waited for word from She-Ho or Top'Heavy or Hand Solo or Oh-BendMeOver Quantum. "They're always forgetting me! Isn't anyone ever going to tell me if we won?"

With a heavy sigh, he settled into the cockpit to wait for word that didn't come, and while he waited he watched gay porn.

* * *

Somewhere far away on a world known as Soggy Bottom, Stiff UpperLip sat with his eyes closed in meditation. "Of course he saved the universe," Stinky muttered. "It was his Destiny to save us." He pondered that thought. "Actually, it really was his _Density_. Heh!"

The END.


End file.
